Letting Go

One of the main defenses I exhibit when I feel something is out of control, is to seek control. 

A signal for me that I am feeling over-stressed from perceived instability is that I may start doing dishes or straightening something in my environment that I can control. 

There's a fine line for me between doing normal maintenance tasks, and cleaning to attain a sense of control. 

I didn't realize I did this until more recent years, and so now I try and check in with myself when I get urges to clean like that, to see what might be propagating that -- to see what might be going on inside of me at a deeper level. 

I remember when I was facing leaving my second year of college and in an internal quandary about where I was going to go next. During the process I was receiving some unreasonable pressure from someone whose opinion I was, in many ways, controlled by at the time. 

It was an awful time of internal conflict for me. 

But something beautiful arose through the struggle process. 

A verse God had already woven into my heart months earlier, a promise, that He would "be the stability of [my] times" (Is. 33:6) would be recalled and put to the test. 

Would I lean in to God and let go of the fears I was experiencing, while at the same time, embrace what God was planning to do for me? 

The thing is, I didn't know what He was planning to do. But I had His promise that He would be my stability.

I had to make a choice. It became apparent to me if I did not choose  to let go of the control I was seeking, I would spiral further into fear and eventually some form of paralysis. 

Praise God by His enabling grace, I chose Him in that moment and sought to embrace what He was offering me; His stability, the stability of His faithful presence, wisdom, and salvation while I was in that hard place. 

Even though I chose to let go of the control I was seeking and to embrace Him, my fears and pressures didn't magically dissolve. 

I still had to face and walk through some hard realities and realizations. 

But because I had chosen to embrace Him as I let go, He would be (and was) present to me in the empowering ways I would need, to face what needed to be faced.

Essentially what I did was: trust His heart for me and trust His control.  

Ultimately. . .

He did led me through the fog and into clearer, much clearer places. 

And to this day. . .

Every day continues to be a lesson for me in letting go and embracing all at the same time.

The really cool thing is though, the more I embrace this Gem, the deeper my soul grows in peace. And who doesn't want that?